Z is for Zero

Z is for Zero

 

Well, I have a true story to tell and some of it is quite personal, but I’m guessing you’re used to a little oversharing by now.

I was married when I met Thom in SL and, although I loved and cared about my husband, the marriage wasn’t working out the way I had hoped. My husband was quiet (I often go for quiet men) and loved nothing more than being on his computer all the time. And when I say ‘he loved nothing more’ I can only assume that included his feelings for me because on numerous occasions I’d tried to discuss with him the fact that I felt very alone and isolated, but to no avail. I’d moved areas to be with him and once I was there, he was quite happy to not talk and not do things and thought that was fine.

That isn’t to say he didn’t care about me and wasn’t kind. He was a kind person, indeed.

Before I met him, my step-mother had bought me the first five Sue Grafton books, starting with A is for Alibi (and so on). The books were fun and light reading for me. I grew to love the protagonist – private detective Kinsey Millhone – and dreamed about becoming one myself.

At Christmas, I put the next book in the series on my list and my husband bought it for me and then, each Christmas, he’d buy me the next book(s) in the series that had been released. I was getting quite a collection.

In 2008, I told my husband I had feelings for someone else (someone I had never even met in RL) and for this reason, my marriage to him had to be over. It was hard to do and even harder to leave behind my home, most of my possessions, him and our cats. But I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do.

I went to my Mum’s house and cried and talked about my feelings – about my husband and about Thom. Soon after, I met Thom in RL and while things were far from clear-cut or simple, I thought we had something. Either way, I knew that returning to a husband and wife relationship wasn’t right, given that I had developed feelings outside the marriage.

My husband called me and we talked and we agreed it had been horribly hard, but I was honest with him about my feelings for Thom and how I couldn’t just go back to being his wife. He said I didn’t have to and that I could come home as friends, if I would just come home. So I did.

I think this is the point most people become a little confused. You see, I know it’s not normal for separated people to simply decide to be friends and to return to living together while feelings are so raw, but he, my newly-minted ex, was an extraordinary man in that sense.

In a way, I guess, the issues that had caused me to find attention elsewhere were also the conditions under which I could return home. He just wanted my presence in the house and for things to be ‘normal’. So, when I went home, I moved into the spare bedroom and we adjusted to being part of a family, but not a couple. We did good.

We were good friends and had good times. When Christmas came he always bought me my Sue Grafton Alphabet book and the years went by. I would go away for weekends to spend time with Thom and after some time, my ex started up a distance relationship with a woman in the US who was friends with his sister.

The books continued until one day, just over 2 and a half years ago, he told me that he wanted to move to the US and to do so, he had to marry his girlfriend and so we needed to divorce and sell the house. I won’t pretend it was easy, but it was time for it to happen.

So that’s what we did.

I moved into my new home in Feb 2018 and got some bookshelves, I spent time putting my books on the shelves and (obviously) putting the Sue Grafton ones in order. I realised we’d reached ‘Y’ in the alphabet. That seemed inordinately sad, an incomplete set. At the same time, my ex was drawing away from me as a friend because his fiance didn’t like him seeing me at all. It hurt that it was necessary, but I had to come to terms with it – she was his future.

I’d reconciled myself to the fact that I would just have to have an incomplete set, because I couldn’t think about someone else buying me the last book. I decided I’d never read the last in the series or find out what happened to Kinsey, except sometimes… well, you’ll see. Time passed. He left for the US and got married and I began to settle in my house.

A week ago, I thought ‘sod it’ and asked my Mum if she could get me the last book in the series for Christmas. She rang me yesterday to tell me the bad news – Sue Grafton had died just after Christmas 2017 and wasn’t able to write her last book, ‘Z is for Zero’. Her husband said she’d had the title decided for years and years, but was just too ill with cancer to write it.

The series will remain unfinished forever and Kinsey will remain frozen in time, just like my friendship with my kind and unusual ex.

Thank you Sue Grafton for so many hours of enjoyment, I’m so sorry you died.

full-length-1

What ARE you wearing?

Addams // Pandora Set – Jacket, Sweater, Jeans, Boots NEW!
DOUX – Denise Hairstyle

 

22 comments

  • A sad but amazing story. It’s as if your relationship with your ex is inexorably linked to that book series. It must have been difficult on so many fronts for you, but in some ways, there’s a finality to both. Thank you for sharing your story with us. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Rob. Yeah, it did seem strange the other day that is made the decision to move forward with the series to the end (like, inviting closure) only to find the matter was already decided for me. Somehow poetic certainly. Hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Do you recall the scene in Casablanca when Bogart says “It seems that destiny has taken a hand” ? Hugs to you. I hope that the closure gives you peace going forward.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Oh I do. It’s one of my favourite films of all time. It’s definitely the season of peace and goodwill. I hope you have all that too x

      Liked by 1 person

  • The more you share the more I realise we are such similar souls.
    My husband and I ended in 2003 and I moved out early 2004. He has had a number of relationships since, but one thing we have always done is share xmas in one form or another. The girlfriends had issue and he always was honest and said, “I love the mother of my children and she remains in my life. You take me and the children, you accept their mother”. He and I have always stuck to that. Perhaps one of the reasons I am alone in reality is because over the years men have found that hard to believe you can actually be friends with an ex a member of the opposite sex, shock horror.
    The fact is love in whatever form it is, simply transitions either to good friendships or complete enemies.
    Mine more so because we share children and now a grandson. I know if I was at a loss, ill etc, he will be the person who will be there for me, and I for him. That’s what friends do. So I say damn great you had that and such a shame his new partner couldn’t see that . Now for your book, maybe you should consider writing your own end to that series. You know you can write and maybe you can create your own ending with a number of outcomes.:-)xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oooh, yes, you really really know how I feel. That’s quite unusual cus, as you say, people often transition into hating each other. We didn’t and I was so grateful for that and for the family love we shared when the romantic love was gone. Thom is awesome and just understands and yes, I so wish my ex’s new wife could have accepted me and then I could have cared about her too. I was (and still am to some extent) pretty upset about it, but hey ho. She wants him to hate me and he never will, cus he knows me, and she doesn’t. Good on you and your ex-husband. Family is important and you put that first. Hugs you Isa and thank you for sharing your story with me ❤ xx

      P.S. Re. the writing, Oooh I dunno about that! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  • Why am I crying after reading this? The moment I finished reading ” Thank you Sue Grafton for so many hours of enjoyment, I’m so sorry you died.” tears welled up and unknowingly I was crying. This is an amazing touching excerpt of you life Meri thank you for sharing my amazing friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Fabulous photos! Some of your best, and that’s saying something, as your ‘average’ is pretty great. I LOVE the skies, and your lighting… really has a calm-before-the-storm feel. Another great ‘true-life’ tale, too (:

    Liked by 1 person

    • One of my favourite books as a teenager was ‘Z for Zachariah’ which is about the period following a nuclear bomb blast. So yes… maybe I will one day ❤ I was only thinking about you just half an hour ago. Let's catch up! xxx

      Like

  • I feel conflicted for loving this story! You have such a skill at saturating your words with depth and meaning, and your photography skills are just right. I also love the idea of you writing the last book on the series. I know you could more than do it justice.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh Joanee, I know I couldn’t do it. Plus the author specified nobody should write it. But you’re so very kind and lovely xxx thank you

      Like

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