Being bullied.

Being Bullied
There’s someone in my life who has been in it for a long time. I can’t call her a friend, not really. She hasn’t acted like a friend.

She has something to say on almost every subject and it’s usually negative. She actually tells me to my face that I look fat and hideous. If I just dress in my day-to-day clothes and tidy my hair, she says I can’t go out looking like that. If I make a real effort, she tells me I look ridiculous and people will laugh at me, a try-hard, mutton dressed as lamb, that kind of thing.

She never lets up about my hair. It’s never good enough, never neat enough, never smooth enough.  At social events she’s been there and reported that everybody else seems to know best how to dress and I’ve got it wrong – again.

When I was younger, she’d say I looked tarty, cheap or I had no idea how to dress. She criticises my make-up. Too little and she thinks I just look like a corpse, too much and I look like a clown.

She doesn’t restrict herself to my body, clothes, face and hair either. She’s been known to weigh-in with her ideas on my capabilities, career, social-life, love-life and well… everything.

She’s the one who plants insidious little thoughts in my head about not being good enough. She has intimated that nobody really loves me; that my Mum prefers my siblings; that my boyfriend would rather be with just about any other woman than me and only stays cus he feels sorry for me; that the people I work with or for don’t think I’m any good at what I do, or if they do now, they’ll find out that I’m not in due course.

She has also suggested that being social, as I am, is probably not a good idea. I can go somewhere and talk to people and she’ll say that they thought I was weird and they’re laughing at me behind my back. If I get a word wrong, or stumble, she rolls her eyes.

She’s the one who greeted me with a pitying and scornful grimace on those days when I used to go out and get drunk, her expression saying ‘Oh god, what did you do now? Can you even remember? You won’t be able to look those people in the face again for a good, long time’.

Course, she isn’t there all the time. Sometimes I manage to go out not feeling shitty about myself. Equally, I spend time with friends or my boyfriend, or my family without hearing from her even once. Those times are good.

Strangely, she has nothing at all to say about my Second Life, aside from that I probably shouldn’t be doing it at all, that there are better uses of my time than playing pixel dollies. But she has nothing bad to say about Meri, most of the time.

I wish she’d leave me alone. I feel bullied and sad. I try to laugh it off but it sticks, you know?

She’s a nasty, evil bitch.

She’s me.

I’m thinking many of you (certainly many women I know of) will be able to relate to the constant voice in your head telling you all these things, sucking away at your confidence, being your un-friend, your un-supporter. I promise you that every woman you see, no matter how perfect she appears (and maybe even moreso in the ones who do seem perfect) hears this voice in her head. It’s a rare woman who sees herself without criticism. I’m not so sure about guys, I’d love to hear from some men on their perspective.

*Edit: And OH OH OH! It’s certainly worth saying that I’d never dream of saying any of the nasty things I say to myself to any woman I know, be she my best friend or worst enemy.  Never ever. Maybe that can be used to help when I’m being hard on myself.

I don’t want to be like this any more. I want to be happy with myself, imperfect as I am. I have been listening to Lizzo! That girl has some amazing ideas on loving yourself unapologetically and without restraint. She suggests you look at yourself in the mirror each day and say ‘You’re the one’. And try to mean it. Do it each day until you do mean it.

So, if you feel like I do sometimes/all the time/occasionally – go listen to Lizzo… I’m not even kidding! Just do it. Hey, I’ll start you off, cus I’m that fabulous… and who doesn’t need the input of an artist reminiscent of Neneh Cherry, Chaka Khan and Aretha Franklin all rolled into one?

 

What ARE you wearing?

Dress – Baiastice LouLou dress Copper Print Collabor88
Boots & Socks – Blueberry So Cozy Knee High Boots and Socks
Hair – Stealthic Persephone Brown Pack

Visit – Tonarino

 

23 comments

  • Turn that switch off!!!!
    She needs dimming right down and you need to see more clearly all the great things about you. We all see it now really you should and must.
    As for do we suffer this?
    Yes I do every single day to the point I don’t allow myself to ever believe what I’d love to believe. You aren’t alone ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  • Don’t forget all the “perfect lives” of “more accomplished” people you are jealous about is just a little tidbit, the publicly visible part of them. It’s their highlight reel, their greatest hits album! It’s not their everyday life. They won’t show you that. Now look at your own accomplishments and make a golden top hits album of that … and suddenly you don’t look so bad, dontcha? See that bitch with the adorable hair? See also her overbite, her scars, her fat ass? Or the one with the super cute boyfriend … who cheats on her every occasion he gets, or that one girl with the fantastic figure and no weight problems … and how she throws up after every meal?
    Meri, I don’t know you, only your avie from a couple fashion shots in your blog. But I guess you’re okay as you are. And now go and get an ice cream, you’ve earned it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Orca, you adorable piece of womanhood, thank you. I shall toast you with my spoon. And yes you’re totally right. I never believed anybody else’s life was perfect or easy though, despite Instagram and Facebook doing their best to convince us all otherwise, I don’t tend to suffer from jealousy much. So basically, I don’t ask much aside from feeling comfortable in my own skin – like most of us I think. Hugs you, have a wonderful day, you deserve one too ❤

      Like

  • I needed this so much. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO horrible towards myself…especially with my appearance. If most people knew the thoughts that run through my head every day about how I look, how I walk, my mannerisms, how my voice sounds, etc, etc, etc… I don’t think anyone, even if they tried, could be as hard on me as I am on myself. Thank you so much for writing this, girl. *hugs hugs* ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ok darling Tiff, I’m sorry you’re doing it but now we’ll try our hardest to make it stop. Maybe next time it starts up, imagine you’re talking to one of your friends. We’ll get there! Hugs you xxx

      Like

    • Thank you Ginger. You’re right, whether the bully is on our home or head we do need to get away, and I know what you mean. I’ve lived that too and the only solution is to run away. I’m so glad you got out xxx

      Like

  • We can be our own harshest critics. The thing is, we live with baggage, and that’s at the heart of it all. If something bothered us from years ago – and we’ve fixed it – we tend to carry that old baggage along with us. I bet you have a difficult time taking compliments from people, too. Well, take it. You’re an amazing person, an intelligent person, and one who I would proudly call my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rob you’re such a fab blog friend, thank you. I actually come across as pretty confident in real life, but it hasn’t stopped my evil twin, haha. Needless to say, I’m proud to call you my friend too x

      Liked by 1 person

  • *walks over and wraps my arms around you, and gives you a huge hug* The voice inside our head can be the biggest critic in our lives. It can also be the hardest to deal with because we carry it around with us all the time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hugs you back Sadie! Yeah, there’s no escaping ones harshest critic. I can’t imagine what we could achieve if we were our own friend. Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  • Such raw honesty, well said.. I know that voice, as a male, I am the one who is hypercritical of myself and what I do wrong. Doesn’t help me change any behavior, or improve –just makes me feel, well, like someone who can’t do what’s right. I appreciated your essay. Makes me think.. in SL, too, and so far there, it hasn’t shown up much yet. I worry I won’t look good enough, or embarrass friends (still classic, not mesh yet).

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh hey Dr Web, lovely to make your acquaintance. I’m not happy to hear that men suffer from this too, if it’s a human condition rather than just a female one of conditioning maybe, then it could be harder to break.

      Maybe Lizzo wouldn’t work as well for you… Or maybe she would but whichever, I really hope you’ll try some positive self reassurance, because you are good enough and you did what’s right for you and I’m sure that nobody is as hard on you as you are on yourself.

      As for mesh, well I’m a huge advocate, but my partner isn’t mesh yet, although he wears mesh clothes. I still think he’s beautiful.

      Love your name! Blows you kisses.

      Like

  • We women are hard on ourselves its very true! I wonder why? Could it be we just don’t want to that “overly full of herself” person? Maybe we need to see our beauty from inside and then we’ll have confidence & sight to see the beauty we each have on the outside. I don’t even know you in rl but I KNOW you’re beautiful Meri! luv ya Meri!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I really don’t know Cherri sweets. I mean, how can we possibly be improved by talking ourselves down all the time? I wonder if it’s a defence mechanism in case other people hurt us. But yes I’m sure you’re right about inside beauty, something not given much press time either in our own heads or the media.

      Luv you too my beautiful friend. Thank you for your ideas xx

      Liked by 1 person

    • Hugzzz my incredible friend… btw if not for you/your blog and Isabelle’s I would be writing on my blog as much as I have now, I owe you and Isabelle all the credit for giving me that courage. Luv ya ❤ & thankies

      Liked by 1 person

    • I am so glad you are blogging and writing posts Cherri, the community needs fresh faces and words and someone like you is a breath of fresh air. Much love to you ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  • Oh darling, our insecurities are truly harmful that become our monsters when they take control of how we see ourselves and how much or little we permit ourselves to live our lives. Outside influences of medias and those around us help feed our own personal crises. Sometimes we feed them back with anxieties or a form of self abuse among others. I abused myself thinking it helped but it only fed my monster who could never feed enough. She was always hungry to inflict more pain.

    Recognising and accepting this monster we have is our first important step disowning it. I know it’s hard but we need to learn to starve it. A stray cat won’t live where nobody will feed it. Neither will our personal monsters that shadow us.

    I don’t know you personally, however from your writings, I can see that you are a beautiful, warm and loving woman who needs love and affection. Love and affection not just from others but more importantly, from your self. When you see others looking successful on the outside, the purer they gloss on the outside, the more they are hiding something on the inside. Nobody is perfect as in entertainment and glossy magazines. The perfect person is who makes you feel loved and whole. The person we need to be loved by most is our self. Our self can be an anxious, fiery bitch but she is my bitch, their bitch and your ;own very amazing, wonderful bitch.

    She is beautiful. She is loving. She is kind.

    She is us.

    She is you.

    Liked by 1 person

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