No.

No.

 

For those of you who don’t know, I’m not coy about my age. I’m in my 40s in my first life and that’s absolutely fine with me – mostly.

When I was a younger woman, I found it hard to disappoint people. I felt like I should make them happy. Like it was my… thing, I suppose. This attitude led to all sorts of unhappiness for me, much of which I simply avoided dealing with.

‘No, no, it’s fine’ was often heard coming from my young and inexperienced lips, but this was not fine at all. Indeed when I started Second Life, almost 12 years ago, I was still something of a ‘Yes woman’ and I ended up over-committing to things, being involved in situations I really didn’t want to be in and feeling overwhelmed.  You know that feeling, I’m sure!

It’s become something of a mantra these days for people ‘Start with YES’ ‘Say YES, you don’t know where you’ll end up’ etc. etc. I see all these positive Facebook memes about saying YES to all of life’s opportunities. But I’m here to tell you, my soul brothers and sisters, that YES is not all its cracked up to be at all. YES can lead to you feeling really very tired and ultimately quite sad.

You see, every time you say YES to someone else, you’re giving them a gift, which is lovely. I love to make people happy and I actually make a conscious effort to do and say things which will make other people happy. I just love to see them smile!

However, saying NO makes me happy. I know right… unpopular view. The ability to say no, without feeling bad about it, is a skill that needs to be learned and honed. We need to train ourselves to say NO without feeling shitty about it. It’s not selfish to say NO, it’s just letting the other person know what pleases us and what doesn’t. What we’re able to give and what we aren’t, what our boundaries and expectations are.

And you know what’s strange? People quite like it. If they like you, love you, care about you, they want to know you have standards and boundaries and those make them feel secure. NO makes people trust you. They find it easier to know who you are.

Imagine being dropped blindfold into a body of water. You can’t see the bottom, the sides, you don’t know if you’re in the middle of a bottomless ocean. You panic, but no need, because you were only in a swimming pool. It was only slightly deeper than you are tall, you can doggy paddle to the sides. You need to know where the boundaries are in order to feel safe. It’s the same with other people.

People worry about making excuses and sometimes end up lying because it’s easier. I’ll give you an fictional example. A friend asks you if you will organise her Hen Night, you love this friend, you say YES. She then says she wants to go to Magaluf and whoop it up and it’s actually a five day thing she wants, and you’re now left with organising a group holiday you don’t want to go on. You feel bad… you’ve already said YES. But if you tell her now that you can’t because your foot hurts or it’s your Aunty’s birthday, she might suss you out.

It’s far kinder to yourself and to your friend to say… ‘I’m not sure, what do you have in mind?’ in answer to her question, rather than say YES and overcommit. Then, when she says what she wants, you should tell her straight and nice. ‘Oh Stacey! (I’m channelling Gavin & Stacey here I think, maybe I’m Nessa today) I really want to support you on the run up to your wedding, but I don’t think I’m the right person for the job. Not my kind of thing, sorry’.

Then, once Stacey has absorbed you don’t want to do it, you can suggest that perhaps you and she can spend a day at a spa prior to the wedding, maybe you can treat her. You get the idea. Give love and what you want to give, don’t commit to giving what you don’t want to give.

A real life example is that soon after I moved into my current house, a neighbour knocked on the door and said ‘Would you do a me a favour?’ I said ‘What is it?’ and she kinda laughed, she said ‘Oh, you won’t do it unless you know what it is first?’ and I said ‘Yes, that’s right’ and smiled. (Turned out she wanted to put her recycling bin in my yard and have me put it out for her the next week when she was on holiday. I said yes). Now she knows I’m not a pushover, but I am helpful. Ta-da, neighbour relations level one complete.

In blogging for Second Life too, I have learned to say NO and be okay with that. I learned in the first couple of years that I don’t like blogging shoes or nails for sponsors… it can restrict photographs to some odd angles if you have to showcase extremes of your body. Plus… I had a shoe sponsor who did some nice stuff but felt their product should be the centre focus of each picture they were in, and quite honestly, it wasn’t worth it for me. I never post naked just wearing shoes (although I have had some requests).

It’s the same with furniture and decor. I love looking at furniture decor blogger posts, I think it’s a skill to put it all together and make it look good, but it’s a hell of a lot of work for one photo or blog and it takes up all your allowance of prims in order to set the scene. I’m just not in a position to do that and do it well and I’m not deleting my house for anybody!

I don’t even blog many poses for sponsors (you might have noticed). I like to go to places for a picture, see what’s there and perhaps alter what’s provided in a seat, for example. I don’t want to HAVE to go there and point at the sky within a given time, because a blog pack has been issued. That isn’t inspirational or fun, that’s duty, and duty blogging lacks love.

If I sound like a brat, that’s okay with me. This is a fairly recent evolution of me and I’m still finessing it. It’s a constant path of learning and changing, but I’m happier now I can say NO and give what I want to give, with my whole heart.

Getting older has allowed me to the confidence to communicate, to the point where I rarely feel cornered or pressured. I now don’t feel so bad about saying NO, although occasionally, it still catches me unawares and I do feel bad. But not so bad as if I was in Magaluf on a badly organised week’s break with Stacey and 99 of her friends.

Maybe one day I’ll do a blog about the bad things about getting older (my knees for example), or maybe I won’t 😀 Got to let the young ‘uns look forward to something! But less about me, what’s improved for you with age? Do you hate saying no?

What ARE you wearing?

Pose – Le Poppycock Feel It (modified)
Top – BUENO – Restrain Top – Uber til Feb 22
Pants – *COCO* High Waist Cargo Pants – prev gift
Shoes – [BREATHE] – Tamiko Heels Green
Hair – .Shi Hair : Barak

 

17 comments

    • Aw thank you beautiful Joanee! I knew you’d be on a similar path of saying NO without feeling bad. You’re right, it’s something we have to learn as we go along and it’s definitely hard at first isn’t it? But I think it’s getting easier. Much love to you ❤

      Like

  • I so feel you in this blog … I’m also in my 40’s and just like you a was a pleaser … trying to do good for everyone (which always failed because you can’t make everyone happy) Thanks to my SL partner I learned also to think of me first and learned to say No sometimes … thanks to that I’m stronger now than I ever have been ❤ Keep saying No when you feel a yes isn’t the right answer … Love your blogs btw

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh thank you! 😘 I can really relate to what you said Ivory. My relationship has helped me too. Mainly by example, he just says no if he doesn’t want to do something. Imagine how strong we’ll be at 60! Hugs you beautiful xx

      Like

  • No comes fairly easy,and I like to say it asmuch as I like to say yes. I’m in myl ate 40s and I like that I know myself better.

    Liked by 2 people

  • Love this post and love this pic Meri!! You look gorgeous. I’m in my late 40’s and I have no trouble saying no these days, though I’m known to be pretty blunt, so I never have much trouble saying what I feel, though I do have tact and I’m very diplomatic. Though age brings about those issues not being mentioned, like bad knees, needing reading glasses, it’s got its positives too… like not needing approval from anyone, and definitely agree on the comment before mine, the knowing thyself better. Great post. ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes! Yes yes yes. You for the nail on the head for me there… Not needing approval. That’s the change going on. I mean, it’s not all the time, but it’s happening. And I like it! Hugs you Alexa, so glad you are strong and kind xxx

      Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah… It seems easier to be obliging when you’re younger doesn’t it? Then you see you were wrong, lol xx

      Like

  • “I never post naked just wearing shoes”
    But … but but shoes are clothes of sorts, no? So sporting a pair of spectacularly high heeled stilettos … and you’re never really naked.
    “Sorry for the typos! Bloody phone keyboard”
    How often do I have to repeat it? Never let a bloddy telephone do a computer’s job! Never! Ever!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha, well, we could do a Marilyn and say we just wear Chanel no.5 to bed too, but it gets so chilly.

      And as for the frankly ridiculous telephone keyboard predictive text nonsense. I couldn’t agree more. It drives me crazy. I make so many mistakes.

      Liked by 1 person

    • So, why don’t you put that thing away and use a proper computer? Chose your tools wisely and get rid of the riff-raff. Didn’t you just proudly poclaim to be 40+? Well, congratz, I’m 50+; women our age should be above childish toys like mobile phones. They are below our dignity, ffs!

      Liked by 1 person

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